Farage’s Nightmare [Short Story]

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It was half past seven and Nigel Farage was ready for the recording of Have I Got News For You. He was on Ian Hislop’s team, presumably because Hislop hated him. Opposite him were Paul Merton, looking as confused as ever, and a woman. The host was a man who wasn’t Jeremy Clarkson.

They started off with a bit of footage about some missiles that MI6 had left on a train. Hislop made some obvious jokes and Paul Merton comically misunderstood what was going on. The man who wasn’t Jeremy Clarkson asked Nigel some questions which he got absolutely spot on, and then the woman said something flirtatious to him. Hislop then started making ridiculous accusations against Nigel, saying “You’re having an affair, aren’t you?”

With righteous fury, Nigel replied “That’s not proven. I mean no comment. I mean absolutely not.” A lot of people jeered at him. Typical BBC lefties. Nigel stood up and shouted at them. “You’re just as bad! Don’t judge me you bastards!” The jeering got louder. Nigel jumped up onto his desk and smashed his glass. “I hate you! I hate you all! Why won’t you vote for me?” he said. The shouting and booing only got worse.

At this point Farage felt that something was wrong with his face. He touched his cheeks. His jowls and his chin had dropped a bit. He looked at Hislop. “Hislop! My face is melting!” he said.

“That’s exactly what you would say,” Hislop replied. The audience laughed.

“I’m serious,” said Farage. Someone giggled.

“Seriously?” said the woman. Nigel could hear his chin dripping onto the floor.

“I have to get down,” said Nigel. Everyone guffawed as if they had never guffawed before. Nigel clambered back into his seat.

The host looked at Nigel for a second, and then started the video for the other team.

“Paul and Amanda,” he said. “What does this film tell us about Prince Charles?”

“My ears are on my neck!” shouted Nigel. There were whoops from the audience. Ian Hislop leaned over to Nigel and quietly told him to stop interrupting. Black blotches were forming in Nigel’s right eye.

Paul Merton started to describe an encounter he had had with a post box. The host told Paul Merton about a story about the men who were installing his new bathroom, and the woman told the host that modern bathrooms had become a sad status symbol. Or that’s what it looked like. It was terribly dark. Why weren’t they paying attention to Farage?

“I can’t see! My forehead is in my eyes!” said Nigel. The audience booed this interruption.

“Look, could you wait your turn?” said Paul Merton. He was frowning. Amanda nodded.

“You’ve been gurgling the whole time. This is incredibly rude,” she said. Someone cheered and then everyone clapped. Nigel decided escape was his only option. He stood up once more, only for his whole head to almost fall off. Even the host snorted a chuckle at that. Nigel collapsed onto all fours and dragged himself head-last along the floor out of the studio into the corridor. The door swung shut behind him, leaving a trail, lightly matted with hair, and a glistening shoe.

Back in the studio Amanda said “good riddance” and people cheered again. This was one of the most well received episodes of ‘Have I Got News For You’ this decade. The audience smiled like happy children at the end of a Christmas special.

In the corridor Nigel was trying to scream for an ambulance but he had no lips, and his lungs had dissolved. His last thought was that all this had to be some terrible nightmare.

Image Credit: Euro Realist Newsletter via Compfight

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