Dealing with stress in your job? Each day an unending slog? Unable to stomach even the idea of your Monday morning muesli? Good news! Help is at hand with our distraction-packed survival guide:
Monday mornings; am I right? You show up to work full of vim, spunk, and gusto, and by half nine your soul feels as dead as your career. Do you dream of gripping the workday by the lapels and giving it a ruddy good shake? Do you howl like a wolf at the moon when the promotion you wanted is given to Gavin-that-guy-down-the-hall-who’s-a-bit-shit? Grab your coal-shovel and say goodbye to your loved ones, because here comes the cross-country train of positivity! Enjoy any of the following work-time activities to keep a smile on your face and a spring in your step:
1. The Most-Satisfying Click
What’s in your right hand at this very moment? A strongly-worded letter to your boss detailing why promoting Gavin was a mistake? No, silly – the mouse! Did you know there are three different elements in a mouse that make a clicking noise? That’s right! The left button, right button, and the centre button – sneakily included as the scrolling wheel. Take out all your aggression by pressing each button in turn, and measuring how much pressure is required to make that satisfying Click! noise! Remember; the faster you click, the louder the noise, and the more chance you’ll have of drowning out the screams in your head.
2. The Chair Switcheroo
Sitting in the same place everyday can sure get tiring, so try and liven up your view on the world by sitting somewhere different. Why, the team leader chair is empty now that Gavin has gone to the bathroom, why not sit over there? While in this new seat, take full advantage of the fresh perspective of the world: gaze wistfully out of the window, look at the loving photographs of his family and imagine they are really yours, demand your colleagues refer to you as either “Gavin” or “Sir”. When he returns from his toilet trip, laugh at him, and invite others to do the same. Faced with the silence of victory you can then wander back to your own chair, feeling brighter about things.
3. The Post-it Boat
Here’s an old classic for all you office workers out there: take that pile of Post-it notes from your desk and transform them into a seafaring vessel – spend hours crafting the hull, mast, and bough! When it’s finally finished you can either take the time to decorate it with coloured highlighters, or show it off to all your co-workers – be proud of what you spent your morning creating! Be sure to place the boat in a vacant toilet bowl, and as you pull the flush imagine yourself present at your own Viking funeral – saying goodbye to your old life so a new one can be built out of the tear-stained ashes. For extra authenticity, ensure to set fire to the boat with a match before the oceans of the toilet swallow it whole! Write Gavin’s name on a pack of cigarettes and leave them in the toilet stall so when the fire alarm goes off, everyone blames him.
Sometimes when you hit that midday slump you just need to freshen yourself up – so why not treat yourself to a makeover? Here’s a method that doesn’t even require leaving your desk: first, grab some scissors from your desk-tidy, second, pull up Gavin’s staff picture from the company database for reference, and third – get snipping. Take care with the scissors at this point as your brain can only really see the world in different shades of red, but persist for as long as it takes to achieve your new look! Give an impromptu fashion show to your manager – still brandishing the scissors – and yell “Now do I look like Team Leader material?” at the very top of your lungs.
5. Road Trip
What a busy morning! With all this boat building and mouse-clicking you must be very tired indeed. It’s important not to overwork oneself – so why not take the afternoon off? Resist the temptation to warn the rest of the office of your sudden departure as it would only worry them, then grab your keys and set off for high adventure! Without any sense of what’s happening – life has been such a heady rush for the last few weeks – you arrive outside Gavin’s house, ready to seize some real life opportunities. With a hammer or your own unprotected fists – whatever makes more sense at the time – smash your way through the front door or window and make your way to the master bedroom. Once inside, feel free to try on all of his clothes – really express yourself! Look in the mirror and repeat to yourself the following mantra: “I am a go-getting, hard-working individual who has earned the right to be happy.”
The time is really ticking on now and you’ve made quite a scene, best to speed things along and get busy with cutting Gavin’s face out of every framed photo and crudely drawing your own in its place – why, it’s like you’ve lived here your entire life! Sirens are now telling you that your carpe diem-ing isn’t quite being accepted by the old-guards of society, so if I were you I’d hurry along to the building where Gavin’s wife works, where you can begin to convince her that you are her husband now. She may be confused by the actual clothes of her husband that you’re wearing, but fret not – once you’ve shown her one of your hand-drawn family photographs she’ll be sure to accept you as a new husband and father of her children. Shout long and aggressive demands for her love as the police start dragging you to their van!
6. Changing Rooms
The biggest problem of the work environment is that all workspaces look the same – and these prison cells are even worse. With the bars and the grey bricks it can be quite difficult to breathe some life into the place. An easy remedy for this, during your open door hours, is to switch cells with another inmate and take an hour to decorate. Use discarded cigarette packets for wallpaper, and search pillowcases for drugs to steal and sell for cash! When you return to your own cell give honest and frank feedback on the design choices of your companion – and wouldn’t you know it? The springs in your mattress give a little Click! when they’re pushed hard enough! That’s tomorrow’s fun already organised.
Gee, whiz! I’m certainly feeling more refreshed, and I hope soon you will too. Start today and turn your workday around with these handy moral boosters and, who knows, together we can make one peaceful Gavin-less world!
(Image Credit [vuhung] via Compfight)
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